I'm eating all of the evidence.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
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giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
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But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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