I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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