You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
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I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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