Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
