What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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