And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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