dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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