i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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