I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
