SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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