hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
