Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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