wrigley field is MILF paradise
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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