dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
