...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So vagazzling was a success
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
