My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
