I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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