sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
