dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
