Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
