we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
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Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
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Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.