did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
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