I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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