Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
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I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
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Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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