I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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