how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
