You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
