it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
FUCK WHALES
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