Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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