i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
