Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
