Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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