You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
vagina is talking i cant
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
