i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
When are your genitals available?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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