fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
