I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
