Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
