so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
