its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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