If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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