just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
