i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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