Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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