If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
