The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
