Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
