Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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