I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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