I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
