On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
