She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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