If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
