so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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