The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Found the puke drawer
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Oh god it's open bar.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
