life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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