I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can't put those talents on a resume
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
