the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
