had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
